Trusting again….. when it hurts

I feel things. Some would say this is called being an empath and after years of not knowing what I am I guess this is the closest description of how I feel life. I don’t really care much for labels; so I prefer to call me just ‘me’.

Life has hurt; a lot. People have let me down, men have shattered my faith, family have not understood me, and in business I have had more rides than I desire to count. I cannot say I did anything wrong; I just trusted too much that the world was like me. It turns out it’s often not.

All these experiences have moulded me. I have done my best to open my heart to accept the lessons and to grow; isn’t that why we are here?

There is a deeper knowledge to be gained when you accept all your experiences and then move forward with an awareness that we do have choice. We have freedom to choose; our choices can empower us or enslave us….

freebird

The hardest thing about being a sensitive is that hurts hurt so deeply that every part of your being wants to lock out any possible chance of feeling hurt again. The walls go up and a place of absolute numbness maintains a state of safety. It doesn’t feel good in here; but neither does it feel. If I’m locked in, then you are locked out. And when we don’t feel; we cannot hurt. But neither can we let our love shine through and an empath that does not feel safe to love; feels lost.

Most don’t understand this place. They will think that you are sulking or creating some drama or being childish. If only they understood that this locked in place is the ONLY place that feels safe. Or more accurately it is safe because you can no longer feel; you cannot feel their anger, hurt, disappointment, or the fear of uncertainty. It feels terrifying and often impossible to let the walls of protection back down. Once you are in there…. numbness takes over everything.

hug teddy

At the same time your mind will become a place of endless circles of confusion.

Why do humans do such hurtful things?
Why are people so thoughtless and selfish?

How can people say words that are so cruel?
Why does no one understand that my heart loves so much and I try so hard and I do so much to make this world a better place?
Why does no one see how hard I am trying?

I don’t understand……………….
It’s my fault……

My head will go numb with confusion over how people can inflict such hurt, such cruel words, such punishment over not getting their way. Words of anger, jealousy and manipulation cut like a knife in my heart and I am left wondering what have I done? That it must be me and my fault that this person is hurting me? I must in some way be broken….

So I spent a life time thinking I was no good; and that I must fix myself and be better, smarter, thinner, prettier… anything but the person that I was. So I hid myself; I pretended I was someone else… or more correctly; I hid myself so far from you ever seeing who I was.

I never understood that for most of my life it was others people’s stuff…. and even now that I do (know better); when you get better at feeling the world and all its uncertainty and insanity it still feels right through you.

People still do and say hurtful things, words still cut through you and everything still feels ever so deeply; but the ways I have learnt to cope have become better, and positive. I learnt to thrive in a world that still felt bonkers. Soon it started to feel ok to feel things. Life felt better from a place of feeling rather than a place of numb.

The bosom of mother nature and all her animals and birds helped me trust again; the wind in the trees whispered encouragement. Even the soft rain on my face now tells me I am ok; I am safe now.
I can slowly trust again and the universe will watch out for me….
It took me time so be patient with yourself.

butterfly

Some days I don’t get it perfect. Some days I will roll up into a ball and pretend I am invisible. Some days I have no strength to reach out or let someone close. Some days I don’t want to be here; and then I remember that I am here for a reason and to trust in this. Sometimes I still want to shut people out; some days the smallest trigger leads me to lock out the very people who I can now trust. It is hard to fully forget the traumas of the past; yet that is where they are; behind me.

When I feel this way I will go out in nature; for a hike or bike or just to sit by trees or water. Nature is a powerful rebalancer and healer.

Open-Up-And-Be-The-Beautiful-Flower-You-Are

Even the people who love me will never truly understand the depths of my love for them, the distance I would walk for them, the belief that I have in them and the energy that I use to protect them. I understand now that its ok to not be understood; I am more comfortable now knowing they don’t get how life scares me and how some days the feelings and emotions are too much. I know that while not many will love to the same depth; they still love. I know that many will see my fears and anxieties as daft; they don’t feel it as I do. I am ok being ‘weird’.

I know that there are so many out there that grow tired and wearisome of feeling the world and her people; mother nature and her pain.

Be strong my fellow travellers; for there is a gift in this sensitivity.

You will feel the sun rise before the dawn;
You will see the soul in everyone’s eyes;
You will be touched closely by the animal world;
And hear the words in a baby’s smile.

Trust;
You are held dear and safe by the invisible.
Open your eyes now and see it as it is.
Set yourself free and allow your heart guide you;
Breathe deeply into the safety of Life;
Fly…

Trust that some day some one will make it worth taking down the walls and relearning trust.
Let them in…

 

open your eyes

Love,

Andrea

Andrea

PS some helpful resources

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/loving-understanding-an-empath/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/learning-to-trust-let-go-of-your-fear-and-let-your-guard-down/

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4 thoughts on “Trusting again….. when it hurts

  1. Thank you for that, Andrea. I stumbled upon the word “Empath” just two days ago when I Googled my “symptoms”, convinced that I was going to need psychiatric care. And soon. Imagine my surprise and relief in finding out that I wasn’t having a mental breakdown. I just started following this topic, and I look forward to reading more and starting to feel better. Have a great day. 🙂

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