I wanted to share my thoughts and an article on arguments and bumpy spots in relationships that I came across today. There is a lot of helpful and insightful advice in this article that is worth considering if you value and respect your relationships.
Life is all about relationships and connections; partners, family, friends, work colleagues and even strangers. Every person we touch off in life is an opportunity for growth, expansion, experience, and learning and it all boils down to communication.
There is something fragile that connects us all….
A tender bond that should be nourished and treasured.
I see you; I hear you.
I mean really try to see things from both sides even when it may seem like the other doesn’t.
Where there is love and compassion there is healing.
And with healing and time comes trust and a shedding of past wounds and an allowance in of new beliefs. Expectations of what was can cloud our vision; allow the rain of emotional release to fall and let the sun shine once more.
It takes time for old walls to fall, and conditioned perceptions to become clear – if you see the heart behind the wall often this is all that you need to believe that this is worth fighting for.
Ask yourself some questions about the situation and see beyond the words.
Is there hurt, fear, distrust, the past, worry, or other ‘shit’ influencing this argument? What is really going on? Often the argument at hand is the result of things boiling up on one or the other side. Try to not let things in your life hit boiling point; practice expressing how you feel while it is just small bubbles instead of a raging volcano that cannot be contained. As yourself is the others frustration really about you? Sometimes it’s not always about us!
Understand that for most of us to feel vulnerable is terrifying.
Loving isn’t easy; I don’t need to say anymore. To love and be loved is the most precious gift that we can experience; embrace it for all that it is and share it with all that you are.
If you love the one you disagree with then seek a solution and focus on this; solution seek instead of problem analysis paralysis.
No one is perfect. We all communicate on different levels, we all have a different threshold, some get verbal, others go quiet, some think out loud, others process things internally, some need time to process things, other are lightning fast. And we all have fears and beliefs which distort perceptions: fear of hurt, loss, and someone walking away or losing control can play a big factor.
I have learnt that sometimes to be silent (and listen and give things time) and believe that a solution is on the way helps me to feel safe in the storm of a conflict and also to empower the situation. Sometimes the answers are on the way and clarity is a few steps farther than the place where we are currently standing.As a highly sensitive person conflict and arguments are something I want to run far from as they feel physically threatening. BUT….. I chose now to honour and respect the other and stay there for as long as my physical and energetic body can handle. If it all becomes overwhelming to me due to my acute sensitivity to the others emotions in addition to mine, then I explain quite honestly that for me to think clearly I need to take some space.I try my best to explain why I need this space; quite simply it is so that I can feel my way through the situation, get a grip on how I am feeling, and understand the truth in the boxing ring of words and emotions.I might also say a prayer to my angels and guides for truth and clarity, compassion and understanding; I ask for the best solutions for us both.
I truly believe that it is important to remember all the good things that hold you together and to try to understand the other beyond your own fears; they may hold hurts and fears also. Remember what connects you both and focus on this.
Love the other no matter what….
If you love someone it is UNCONDITIONAL.
Are you perfect? no…..so how can they be?
We are imperfectly perfect that’s how I like to see it. We are all trying our best.
Make a choice
And stick to it with integrity. Relationships are not dictated by conditions and rules.
You are in or you are out. Your words are your truth; your actions honest.
Respect yourself, respect the other…Don’t walk away or make threats (unless you truly mean them). To be left creates deep emotional uncertainty for the other. It is not easy to stay there and find resolution but it is worth it.Do your best to find your voice; allow one another the opportunity to say how each feels.
It is the feelings that matter far more than what actual problems are. Humans want to be seen, heard, and feel safe with their loved ones.
Never use blame as a war tool.
Our feelings are the result of our perceptions, beliefs, and choices, and run far into our past conditioning and early experiences. Others cannot make us feel a certain way; we do. Don’t blame others for how you feel but DO share how you feel.It is important for us to open one another’s hearts so that we can empathise with how the other is feeling. If you feel sad, scared, frustrated, angry, let down, fearful, and so on it is important to voice this so that the other can somehow understand from where you are coming.None of us can read minds; especially not in an emotionally charged situation where each is running a race with emotions that run far deeper than the issues at hand. Quite simply we cannot see clearly.
Try to love the person for all that they are and understand that we all have come through a few emotional battles that have left us scarred and often scared!
And TRUST your gut………..
This is the article that provoked some thought for me as I discussed above. I have taken the main points from the WikiHow article here as summary; please refer to this link for the complete article.
1. Understand that it is impossible to have a healthy relationship without a disagreement now and then.
2. Lay Down “Rules of Engagement”.
Agree on rules for handling disagreements and stick to them. The rule list should be short and broad rather than overly specific, should be contributed to by both parties equally, and should contain a route to resolution. Some suggestions and ideas for starting your own list could include:
- Never leave in the middle of an argument. (this includes walking away, leaving the room, hanging up on the other person, etc.)
- Never go to bed angry. Sleep is the time for the body and mind to restore and heal. This gives you a clean slate for the next day and allows your sleep period to be a more restful and healing one.
- Never dredge up past mistakes or grudges. Stick to the present. Accept that no one is perfect and move on.
- If you are wrong, admit it. Even if you feel you are right, but you can see some part of the other person’s position, say so. You will gain respect and give you both room to compromise. (Remember, compromise can be described as a partial gain and loss on both sides. Do your best to make the gain on each side a fulfilling one. If both parties are actively trying to solve the problem, it will dissipate much of the emotional aspect of the argument)
- The person that is deemed to be right must give the other person a sincere apology. Why? Because the person who is deemed wrong is the one whose feelings need some TLC. Also, it is much easier to admit you are wrong if you know the other person will acknowledge it in a caring manner rather than gloating or acting superior. It may seem a little silly, but that little bit of humour may just be the salvation of a relationship. Very often it is the little things that work the best.
3. Suppressing emotions and pretending there is no problem causes some of the highest rates of divorce.
4. Humour can be a useful tool.
5. Remember that “Flooding” a man with emotions is a high predictor of divorce.
6. Know that couples who end up being successful, while in love, are not the couples who get married while still “starry-eyed”.
7. Honesty, intimacy, and realism are important, and “whirlwind romances” rarely make it.
8. Know that similarity in values, backgrounds, and goals are a good predictor of success.
9. Do not engage in ‘intense’ arguments. One important aspect that has emerged from the Gottman Institute is the importance of refusing to engage in overly emotional disagreements.
- When involved in arguments with a man, it is essential for you to maintain personal dignity.
- You should be more calm when arguing that you even are normally. While this is not quite fair, someone must be proactive and mature.
- Reasoning with a partner will only cause emotional withdrawal, which is, again, a high predictor for divorce.
- Over time, rising above and refusing to engage in volatile arguments will teach your partner to hold himself to a higher standard.
- At the very least, he will certainly respect you for not allowing him to disrespect you.
- If a fight begins to emerge, simply state, “I care about you and your opinion, but I will not have an emotionally charged argument with you. I will give you some time to gather your thoughts and come back (tonight, tomorrow, etc.) to discuss this.”
- This allows you to reassure him but still not allow yourself to be subjected to disrespect.
10. Observe reactions to events. Another important factor, in research from Shelly Gable, shows that reactions to events in the partners life are highly predictive of success as well.
- In fact, Gable went as far as to say that the only “correct” reaction was an enthusiastic one praising the partner for positive developments, but added that an occasional passive reaction would not cause divorce.
- With the benefit of research, we now have a more realistic view of how marriage works. Emotional maturity, including resisting the urge to attack a man or flood him with emotion, are high predictors of success. Working constructively to address and resolve conflict instead of avoiding it, valuing your partner’s opinions and emotions, and accepting irreconcilable differences are also strong indicators for success. Waiting until after college and a realistic image of your partner are also very important. With this realistic, research-based view of marriage, you have stronger tools to build a trusting base for your relationship.
PS some links: