Hello gorgeous people,
I recorded this blog on Sunday; and am only getting it up now several days later.
Life feels full of “feeling” these past weeks; emotions, tiredness, heaviness, memories, a sense of “I’m going to hold on, to what I don’t know, this all feels painful and I want to let go”. A desire that is so strong to let go of everything and yet like a re-birthing the memories and words and emotional scars are coming right through me.
I have become acutely aware of the words in my head that are judgemental, self-critical, and of how I beat myself back into a pathetic small person that is almost apologising for breathing. I am beating myself down and I am watching the nonsense of it all and I know in every part of my being that it is time to let go. I thought i had been doing better than this!!
Everyone is tired; not just me. Every amazing woman that I know seems to be feeling something deep stirring inside and it wants to move right through and out of the body like a shedding of skin. I sense that the tiredness is the holding on to what is no longer purposeful and ways of ‘doing’ what no longer ‘works’. As we fight against what wants to release and block the allowance of all that is new coming our way, we quite simply feel exhausted and STUCK in the middle of the tug of war.
Perhaps it quite simply is time to let go. No ceremony, no need for a moon dance or ritual…. perhaps it is time to just hand this all over now; its purpose is done, the lessons have been learnt, and “you are ready” for what is next: a life filled with love and great adventures.
Are you feeling this unease in your body right now too? It is so hard to describe this feeling. I want to literally leap out of my body because it doesn’t feel like mine; I have always felt this way. My sensitivity means that often I am feeling the world (others) in my body as well as my journey and story (yep I feel a lot some days and I know I am not the only one, for we are all connected).
If others are feeling this way I just want to share my heart and show you that it is full of love for all my fellow sisters. I would never wish anyone so beautiful as you (yes all of you!) to feel this pain in your hearts. So perhaps in my words you will see the insanity of the battle we wage against ourselves to keep ourselves small. I see it in almost daily, in every client that walks through my door; beautiful women beating themselves back down into small.
The past weeks I have been feeling a bit like I am hanging on to a cliff with my finger nails. Are you doing this too? Feeling like you are holding on to making yourself small, beating yourself down, punishing yourself in your head and playing the old stories that you learnt when you thought you must have been the one that was “wrong” when in fact it was others that couldn’t handle your light and so projected their shit on you.
Did you carry this story as your truth all of your life? Your excuse to stay small? Making sure that you felt broken, never enough for anyone most especially our mothers. Did you internalise all your words as well as the pain sensed from your mother? And every negative emotion that you sensed from others? Was this our excuse?
Was it easier to play small than to be the child that you truly were? A perfect and beautiful child with special and unique gifts? When you shone did others direct envy and jealousy your way such that you found it easier to doubt yourself and put yourself back into a box? Did you get lost in a battle of two sides between being afraid to excel in life because others held envy against you and on the flip side trying to do things perfectly because you never felt good enough to be loved.
What did you feel then? Stuck? Confused?
It’s tiring isn’t it? And a tad insane to keep doing this when it clearly isn’t working in our favour when we have this mega sense of purpose and passion brewing up and we keep trying to stuff it all back into the “who me? No I’m small and pathetic box. I’m waiting for someone to give me permission or a signpost from the universe that is so big it smacks me in the face”. If only I sigh; I’m out of patience waiting too!
I have been feeling all of this too. Only my battle now is with my old self and the one that is blossoming. I am afraid to be what I sense I am because a part of me is waiting to feel supported. And yet the only one that can support myself is me; in changing how I view myself and giving myself the permission to be free, I then change everything.
I believe that many women walk a Path that is similar; but different! I see that we often take the path that is more difficult in order to undo the old and then not only heal and grow ,but teach others with the love and compassion gained on this journey. None of us regret the Path to where we are; we just struggle to leave it go. Why?
Seeing yourself and all your scars opens your eyes to see that everyone is astonishingly perfect.
“Every story and experience is one that inspires me.
People ask who is my hero/ heroine; I don’t have ONE…
I have many and they cross my path every day in my clinic and life… normal people… normal people being so brave in a world and life that is not easy.
People like you…..it is you that inspires.
So why am I (we?) clinging on to the cliff of the pain and past with our finger nails when perhaps the fall is into the bosom of our Mother – our true Mother – that energy of the universe through to the stars and beyond that connects us all in star-dust and blood.
Why do we fear to feel strong?
Have you ever considered that dieting makes you weak, punishing your body makes you weak, negative words make you weak, playing small and being submissive makes you weak, not following your joy makes you weak, putting yourself second / last makes you weak. And I don’t mean physically weak I mean energetically, emotionally, and spiritually weak. There is little left inside; everything feels like a battle then to protect that last bit of light that is inside. Your light, that is waiting to shine!
… are we afraid to be strong from within? Can you get a sense of that inner power that comes right from your core? Deep within? It’s a little scary isn’t it? Because what then?
It is in our nature to be strong.
This strength is in allowing, being, loving, giving, honouring.
It is a silent strength that gives you permission to shine.
What IF we just allowed this strength?
It feels like an unharnessed wild horse and it wants to run, and play, and kick out a little…
and find the herd and run with the herd.
It wants to feel the wind whispering,
the solid ground beneath fast feet,
and strength in every sinew and muscle…. to run free.
I don’t know where my herd is yet; and some days this makes me feel sad in my heart. BUT… I trust in the reasons for this as the universe pushes me a little more to blossom into myself. Perhaps you feel the same; trust that your soul sister supporting family is close by. Feel anticipation of her arrival into your life.
We must be strong now and shun the rules of society that encourage us to clip our wings and doubt ourselves. I mean for god-sake clothes don’t even allow a woman to have a woman’s figure these days, the beauty industry has made cosmetic surgery and botox the norm, we are afraid to leave the house without make-up, etc. It is a nonsensical system based on taking any sort of self-esteem away from women and we not only let it, we get lost in judging oursleves against it! While women the other side of our reality in a world less fortunate struggle just to feed their children, secure work, and afford to buy any clothes at all. What have we let our society degenerate into? But enough of that rant 🙂
“Feck ideals… they are nonsense.
We must be strong and fly in the face of the society that has created all these rules about what is perfect. We can now undo the control (which we launch at ourselves), show the world that beauty is being able to love ourselves and nothing more.
Start to really see the beauty in other women.
We MUST stop the self judgment… Because then we emanate an energy the exact opposite out to other women, when they then too feel safe, nurtured and accepted in our company: TRANSFORMATION is this simple.”
Allow yourself run free now. I too am somewhat afraid of all this energy that is surging through my veins as I let go of what tires me; as I do my best to bravely accept in what wants to come into my life, as well as empowering myself with the very words I gift my clients.
What if we let ourselves be strong, and then got used to how weird this feels. What would we achieve?
What would we achieve if we embraced our strength?
The whole world around us would change because we would give it permission also to be strong; as well as change how we are seen. We will have support mirrored back; just like the new-found strength that will see us walking tall with our heart energy shining out and our little souls singing.
So, today I am going to be brave;
I am going to let go of how I taught myself to see myself (fat and useless… such a boring story really; no heroism just a sad tale of a light trying to turn herself off).
I am going to connect with you also, today and every day; let’s walk bravely together.
Let’s allow the strength re-ignite within us all.
Let’s allow the cells in our tired bodies permit this energy to flow freely through the whole body and bring her back to health and vitality.
Lets allow the fires of inspiration, confidence, and loving feminine power shine out….
Let’s shine so brightly that the world takes notes… and smiles back…
Because she’s been waiting for us to remember.
I love you all; let us all together embrace, nurture and support the divine light in every woman. Especially those that don’t understand us and want to knock us back into our small boxes. These are the women that need our love and belief more than ever; even if it is from a distance. We aren’t here to rescue the world if it hurts us.
Let’s hold each and every one of us dear; each and every body precious. The more self-love that you can direct inwards, the more light that shines outwards; and so the healing light shines brighter and brighter.
And if you struggle to love your body on some days, then perhaps take a step back and see that she has never let you down; for all the nasty words we have told ourselves our bodies have continued to breathe and survive. Perhaps when you start to see all that you are and all the you have been gifted; with gratitude for all that you are, you will truly thrive and experience an energy and wellness that you have never known before.
The body is an AMAZING thing. Some days when I am running I ponder how incredible a miracle my body is as I run along and listen to the birds or the movement of water in the rivers and streams and my body is allowing all of this with its gazillion tasks all going on at once; while I am quite simply running. And then today I said to my body:
“Hello body… I am sorry. I speak to you some days so awfully and yet there you are, by my side, never letting me down, housing my soul. What if I connected right back with you and felt strong and allowed this strength to course through my veins”
.... as powerful as the river Shannon I was running beside and yet as subtle as the meandering course she takes back to the ocean. Imagine that power and strength put into the flow of life. And for a moment I sense what it is to be me and alive.
We must allow this sense of life and love to course through our veins once more; however we may choose to feel alive… I think we owe it to ourselves now to do it.